Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side
walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are
Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find
your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food
calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the
42 Find yourself as the captain for the
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner
of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen
through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain
bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic,
becuase every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground
in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train
arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing
you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the
last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman
eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't
want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 When hangovers become an attractive
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent
67 Do you take this woman..
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with
anything funny for this damn list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head
except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people
to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,
71 Double vision so much the norm, you
can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start
dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are
drunk I am...
74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -
yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a
77 You can't remember what your family
looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented
cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if
you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter
82 I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb..
prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up
walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84 The opposite wall is covered with
ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
85 When you feel drunk is feeling
sophisticated when you can't say it.
86 When you feel that beauty lies in the
hands of the beer holder.
87 When you read about the evils of
drinking, and give up reading.
88 When you feel reality is an illusion
that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.