What Clinton SHOULD have said...
Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried
to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't
appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through
her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell,
sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every
butt that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was
as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out
to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging
baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the
first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press
seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to
discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine.
God Bless AMERICA. Thank you