President's Speech In Ebonics

  • 292 Voters
  • 3¬†years, 7¬†months ago

The following statement has been translated into ebonics. Good evening. (Yo Yo Yo, s'up?). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today at my crib these suckers and playa-haters started grillin' a brotha). I answered their questions truthfully, including question about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (Dey started frontin' about my game and asking all kinds of fowl sh-t). Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I'm tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I'm going to let yall know my Mackin style tonight). As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (Awhile back, you nosey motherfu-ers wanted to know if I was hittin' hoe-ass Monica's skins. You ain't got no video, so if you want to believe a $10 hoe then oh well).
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Levwinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (Yeah, I was hittin' that dime dropping Bit-h! She was only sucking my jammie though. I was stupid for messing with a young big mouthed skank. My bad, but don't hate me because I'm a playa). But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence. (Outside of that hit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-ass Star, Monica and her snitching friend, I was chill the whole time).
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Check dis, I heard she was down with what ever, you know a freak ass beiach. She wasn't all that but I planned to pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate). The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. (Those haters started sweatin' my homeys and my peeps. Dey pissed a nugga off when they tried to make me look like I'm not real or somefin. Matter of fact dey shady asses be on the take anyway).
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (Tryin' to hit me they wasted alot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew). Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (I'm a pimp and playa and I'm going to be one, dey cant change a nugga! Get some busness'. Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass, that will get her sent up before I'm outtie).
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private life and get on with our national life. (Get off my jock because I'm going to Flex regardless. Just in case yall forgot until you chumps ax me I'm still the sh-t!) Now it is time - in fact, it is past time - to move on. (F-k all yall, I don't give a f-k!, Peace out!!!)